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2013-06-22: Transfered all of my 2011 "My Year in Music" posts from Facebook.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

The Superficial Bond Reviews --- #13: Octopussy

* So the film starts... there's a racetrack and some old fart... oh, dear god, it's Bond! [Insert joke about how ridiculously old Roger Moore has gotten].
After that initial shock of ancient 007, I settle down and actually enjoy the whole scene with the mini-plane. It's everything that Little Nellie should've been way back in From Russia with Love - i.e. exciting.

* The good start gives me the stamina to endure the awful Bond tune. That marks four tremendously shitty Bond songs in a row. Amazing.

* After the credits, there's a guy in a clown costume (again with the clowns! Didn't I do this on Moonraker!?) who gets a throwing knife in his back and ends up seriously dead. He turns out to be none other than 009. I like. Killing a 00 always ups the stakes.

* Bond plays Backgammon in a scene, and that's nice. Traditional, good game, and and excellent choice, instead of just exploiting whatever game is popular at the time. Good way to play characters off each other, cute scene.

* Some kind of femme fatale-like chick pops up, and I start to laugh. This is because the movie tries to tell me she's beautiful, but in reality she's a colossal forehead, with a skinny skank attached to it. It's the Sarah Jessica Parker Principle all over again.

"that which we call a skank
By any other name would look as hideous"
- William Shakespeare

Later on, we're introduced to Octopussy herself, and it's the same thing! She's a moderately attractive woman, if you squint really hard and tilt your head a little... but certainly not Bond Girl material.
I guess I'll just have to be glad that Bond gets to play around with someone of his own generation this time.

* The prerequisite chase scene is completely unhinged, with Tuk-Tuks, a shitload of sight gags and a bunch of Indian ninja-like henchmen who come from out of nowhere.
I'm sure I could find a lot to hate about this scene, but the carnage has overloaded my brain, and I can't think of anything.
Well played, mister Bond.

* There's lots of fun stuff to watch here, but it doesn't take long before it dawns on me how many damn jokes there are in Octopussy. Holy crap, so many lame jokes - one worse than the other. Infantile food jokes (later "borrowed" by Indiana Jones, perhaps?), a Tarzan gag that's beyond embarrassing, and Bond inside a fake crocodile. (No, not "inside" like that, you perverts).
Wow, what a dangerous, awe-inspiring agent! He might as well wear a duck on his head.

* But let's not be too negative. Like I said: there are lots of good things about Octopussy as well.
There's a henchman with a circular saw yo-yo in a pretty good fight scene, there's an sweet action sequence on a train, an outrageousfunny thing with a Mercedes on train tracks, and Bond crushing a twin with a cannon.
Confused? Watching the movie won't help at all.

- "That's Sir Roger Moore. No, really."

* Although a charismatic main villain is absent, there's at least a proper threat in this movie: A nuke is always good, and a ticking clock is great, to heighten the sense of urgency.
In fact, 007 feels such an intense time pressure to disarm the nuclear device that he disappears into a wagon and puts on a detailed clown costume - complete with professional clown makeup and all - to be able to sneak into the circus tent where the bomb is located. Way to choose the most time-saving method, Bond.
And seriously - what's with all the clowns!? Enough with the clowns!

* The finale, with James Bond hanging on the outside of a plane, is an excellent action scene. It strikes me that this is the second time this movie applies this method. Boring train - done before? Take it outside!
Think carefully before applying this method to a space shuttle or a submarine.

* So... all in all, Octopussy is really good. And really crap. Mostly crap. But also good. Depends on what minute you're watching, honestly, which makes it very uneven. And that's bad.
I guess I just want to cut out a bunch of scenes from this movie and glue them into other movies.
One day, when I have the time, I will.

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